


Chance

by GK7



Series: JJP short aus [13]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Actor Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Kim Yugyeom, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pining, Post-Break Up, Sexual Content, Single Parent Im Jaebum | JB, Time Travel, Writer Jaebum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26318788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GK7/pseuds/GK7
Summary: Sometimes, you're in love with the right person at the right time but it'll still never be enough.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Series: JJP short aus [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1773349
Comments: 22
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

"Help!" 

"Yugyeom, come back!" 

Jinyoung stumbled dangerously as a tiny figure bumped into his legs and clung on to them for dear life.

"Gyeomie, papa's here!" a voice called from behind them in a tired, lazy drawl.

A voice that made his hair stand on end. 

Jinyoung turned around carefully, holding the toddler with one hand so he wouldn't run away further, and looked up to find one of the most beautiful pairs of eyes he'd ever seen looking back at him.

"This is your son?" Jinyoung asked.

"Yeah..." said the other man softly, going pink in the face. 

The man's eyes seemed shifty, as if he couldn't bear to be looked at with the intensity with which Jinyoung was looking at him. 

"What? Is there something on my face?" the man asked, irritation coloring his tone. 

Jinyoung wanted to say yes, there is - a beautiful set of twin moles and a soft pair of extremely kissable lips. 

But more visible than that was the haggard look on his face and the bags under his eyes, like he'd had sleepless nights for a week straight, or maybe a decade. 

"Can I buy you coffee?" Jinyoung asked, before he could stop himself. 

The man glanced at the Café entrance behind Jinyoung and gave him a withering look, as if he'd just asked him to hand over his child. 

"It's just coffee." said Jinyoung, still struggling with the toddler, who refused to let go. "You don't have to talk."

Despite the clear hostility radiating off the man, Jinyoung felt a yearning, deep inside him, to know how he'd been doing, whether this "Yugyeom" was his own child? Did he have a partner, or was he perhaps, married?

There was no ring on his finger, but he couldn't be too sure.

"Listen I'm kind of busy, as you can see..." said the man, grabbing his son's hand and tugging gently but firmly. 

Yugyeom screamed, going into a full blown, raging tantrum now, planting his bottom on the ground and wailing his heart out, still holding on to Jinyoung's legs.

Jinyoung bit his lip. He had to think fast. The man seemed adamant on leaving and the kid wasn't helping. 

So he did the only thing he could think of and picked the kid up from the ground. 

"Hey..." the man protested.

But at the same time, Yugyeom gave a massive sniffle, buried his head into Jinyoung's neck and stopped crying almost instantly, hiccuping occasionally as he snuggled. 

Jinyoung patted Yugyeom's back gently and looked at the man whose face now seemed a mix between relief, resentment and an emotion deeper than either. 

"Gyeomie, come to papa."

"No! You won' buy me move ice choco! I don' wanna go wiv you!" 

"Kim Yugyeom, you get down now! You've had a whole mug of ice choco already, you're just going to end up sick like last time!"

"No! I stay wiv uncle!" 

"Yug-" 

"Gyeomie...let's make a deal." Jinyoung intervened gently. 

He ignored the audible clack of the man's teeth clenching shut in frustration. 

"Wha' deal?" Yugyeom sniffled thickly. 

"I have a brand new color set in my bag. And it's all yours. On one condition."

"Wha' connition?" Yugyeom asked, perking up instantly.

His tiny hands warming the back of Jinyoung's neck was making the yearning more potent by the minute.

"You'll do as your papa says and give up the ice choco for another day. Can you do that?" 

"But I wan' move ice choco..." Yugyeom whined, burying his head in Jinyoung's neck again. 

"You'll get it. Just not today. How about you meet me here again next weekend? And your papa can buy us both a big ice choco each."

Jinyoung felt the other man's heated gaze on him but refused to look back. He'd just averted a huge crisis for the man, the least he could do was be civil and buy him an ice choco. 

Finally, after a few long moments of contemplation, Yugyeom seemed to conclude the coloring set to be his top priority for the moment and he willingly leapt into his father's arms. 

The man cooed at him for a bit, reprimanding in mock anger while Jinyoung watched, handing over the coloring set he'd bought for Mark's daughter Yeji, his eyes burning. 

The newfound yearning within him clawed at his insides, making them bleed raw, while the world moved on around him like nothing was wrong. 

"Thank you." said the man stiffly, putting Yugyeom down again with barely a glance at Jinyoung, but with significantly less hostililty nevertheless. 

Jinyoung took a deep breath and cleared his throat. 

"His shoelaces are undone." he pointed out, his voice breaking despite his attempts at self control. 

The man's eyes snapped back at him curiously. And now it was Jinyoung's turn to avoid his gaze. 

What was wrong with him today? He saw men with kids everyday, he'd been an actor for almost a decade and played the role of a young father more times than he remembered, in films, in dramas, in commercials...It shouldn't affect him like this. Why now? Why with _him_ of all people? 

Without warning, his eyes blurred with tears and the man's expression quickly changed from perplexion to concern. 

"Hey, hey, are you okay?" he asked, reaching out a hand towards Jinyoung's face, before seeming to remember himself and letting it drop awkwardly. 

"I'm fine. It's just the wind." said Jinyoung, pulling his jacket tighter and hugging himself. 

He imagined an alternate universe, when the man's arms would be around him immediately, squeezing him closer, peppering his face with kisses and telling him everything was going to be okay, that it was just a phase, that he would get past it.

That he would be happy again. 

"Papa? Whuss wong? Why's he cwying?" Yugyeom interrupted, tugging at his father's sleeve. 

"I don't know Gyeomie."

The man cleared his throat and bent down to tie his son's shoe laces, both of them having come undone without anyone noticing. Probably giving Jinyoung some privacy to fix his face. 

Jinyoung crouched down next to him and began tying the other shoe. The man's fingers slowed for a micro second but he gave no other sign of acknowledgement. 

Jinyoung reached a hand out and placed it on the man's hand. 

A strange rippling sensation, like electricity, moved through his skin as soon as they touched. 

The man stopped and sighed heavily, closing his eyes. 

"Jinyoung, don't do this. Please."

"Hyung..." Jinyoung whimpered, the tears now flooding his eyes and rolling down his cheeks in earnest. 

And finally, Jaebeom looked up at him, eyes red rimmed and forehead crinkled with pain. 

"Don't do this to me, please Jinyoung. Not again!" he pleaded. 

"Hyung, I..."

"You left me remember? You didn't want a family. And I get it. I swear I do. You have this amazing gift and you should share it with the world. But our dreams are different Jinyoung, our lives are different now. You can't just come back after ten years and look at me like you still love me!"

"But I do! Hyung, I still do!" 

"And what about me? I've tried so hard to love someone else, anyone else! But it never worked! Not until Yugyeom came along. And now, I don't _want_ to love anyone else. Not you, not anyone!"

"Hyung please, we can try... "

"We tried already Jinyoung, so many times. But it didn't work. It never did. You were never happy unless you were performing and you always looked so beautiful up there, on the billboards, so unreal. That's the Jinyoung I fell in love with, the Jinyoung I wrote in my stories. Still do. But me? I could never make you happy like that. How do you expect me to take that away from you again?" said Jaebeom, standing up with Yugyeom in his arms. "I have to go."

"Hyung please, don't go!" Jinyoung quickly enveloped both Jaebeom and Yugyeom in a tight embrace. 

"Jinyoung let go. You're making a scene." said Jaebeom. 

But he didn't try to push him off either, so Jinyoung simply held on tighter. 

"No!" he said stubbornly. 

"Jinyoung." Jaebeom whispered, adopting a reasonable tone. "What if someone recognizes you? You can disguise yourself all you want, but you can't run away from what you are." 

"It's different now Hyung." Jinyoung whispered into Yugyeom's back while the child looked at him in concern. "We're older, the world has changed, they don't care anymore as long as I act good on screen. Don't you see? We've been given a second chance! It's fate!" 

Jaebeom didn't speak again and Jinyoung felt all his hopes dashing to the ground quickly. How could he even think there was any in the first place? 

There was no going back for them now, no restart button, not after a decade of zero contact. Jaebeom had a life, a family in Yugyeom and there was no room for love of any other kind. 

Jinyoung's heart had never ached more. 

He felt Yugyeom shift slightly between them and a soft, pudgy hand landed on his shoulder. He felt a soft kiss being placed on the top of his head. 

"Do you feel bettev?" said the tiny voice from above. "Papa says, kisses help make booboos bettev."

Jinyoung moved back slowly and held Yugyeom's hand, unable to look either of them in the eye with his tear stained face. 

Jaebeom slowly lowered Yugyeom to the ground again and placed a hand on Jinyoung's arm gently. 

"Go home Jinyoung. Don't do this to yourself." he said thickly, his own voice colored with pain. "Just take a long shower and go out, meet some friends. You'll feel better."

Jinyoung nodded. There was no point in fighting anymore. 

"You...you do have someone, don't you? That Chinese idol the magazines were talking about? Jackson Wang?" Jaebeom asked hesitantly. 

Jinyoung answered him with a small smile and removed Jaebeom's hand gently from his arm. 

He knew that Jaebeom knew that gossip was never true, that it was all for publicity. But he also knew that Jaebeom was grasping at straws, making sure Jinyoung wasn't left as alone as he had left Jaebeom. 

Jinyoung wanted to laugh. Their priorities had never been the same. 

He began to walk away, eyes puffy and aching, snot dribbling down his nose behind his mask uncomfortably. He ripped it off but made no attempt to fix his face. 

Let them recognize him, let them take all the ugly pictures they wanted. Let them see that he could be ugly too, that he could be a mess too, that he could be human too. 

What was the point of it all anyway? 

"Uncle! Uncle Jinun'!" Yugyeom's tiny voice called out, running up from behind to grab his hand with his tiny fists. "Papa's huvt! Help!"

Jinyoung spun around quickly to see Jaebeom crumpled down to his knees, holding himself tight and heaving. 

Without thinking, he picked Yugyeom up and ran all the way back to Jaebeom, dropping down on his knees and placing a hand on Jaebeom's head. 

"Hyung, what's wrong?!" he cried. 

Instead of answering, Jaebeom threw himself at Jinyoung's shoulder, poor Yugyeom sandwiched between them again. 

"I can't do this Jinyoungie, I can't!" he wailed. "I thought I was stronger! I thought after ten years it would be easier if I were to ever meet you again! But you...how dare you! How fucking dare you..."

And he punched Jinyoung on the arm, hard. 

"Papa! You no' supposed to hi' people and wha's fu-fing?"

Jaebeom let out a few hiccups, still heaving frantically as he reached for his lost control. He let go of Jinyoung slowly and sat back on his heels. 

"I'm sorry Gyeomie. You're right." he choked out. "I'll fill the penny jar tonight."

" 'skay." said Yugyeom, clearly still worried that his father might start crying again. 

He detached himself from Jinyoung's jacket and placed his thin arms around Jaebeom's neck, patting his back like a grown up. 

"We should talk." Jaebeom croaked over Yugyeom's shoulder after a while. 

Jinyoung, who'd slowly felt his heart restart again after having witnessed Jaebeom's pain first hand, nodded immediately. 

"We'll drop Yugyeom off at his friend Bambam's. Then we go home and talk."

All Jinyoung could do was latch on to the fact that Jaebeom had said home instead of "my home". 

*

The moment Jaebeom shut the front door behind them, the awkwardness increased ten-fold. Ten years had almost turned them into strangers. 

They both leaned against opposite walls in the narrow passage and stared at each other. 

Jinyoung crossed his hands behind his back, pressing them against the wall to keep them from trembling and took several deep breaths. 

Jaebeom simply watched him, waiting. 

"Is Yugyeom yours?" Jinyoung asked eventually. 

"It was an unplanned pregnancy, but we loved him anyway."

"And...his mother?" 

"He was two weeks old when my girlfriend died, four years ago. So I named him Kim after her." 

"Did she love you?" 

"Yes."

"Did you love her?" 

... 

"I tried."

"Any other partners after that?" 

"A few. Never worked out." 

There was another long spell of awkward silence where Jaebeom seemed to be re-learning his features. Jinyoung felt sweat form in his palms at the intense scrutiny, like he was standing on a stage for the first time again, just waiting to screw up. 

"You're not going to ask me?" he asked.

"I don't really think I wanna know..." said Jaebeom, looking at his shoes. "I tried to keep up for the first couple of years, through magazines and stuff. But it hurt too much. So I shut it all out. Anything to do with you." 

"Hyung, you know most of what we say in interviews is bullshit right? Our rumored relationships with other celebs aren't exactly real." 

"So you're telling me you never slept with anyone in ten years?" 

"Nothing serious enough to produce a love child." Jinyoung teased. 

But it was the wrong thing to say. 

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Jaebeom snapped. "Do you resent that I tried to move on? Tried to live the life I always wanted, just like you did?" 

"No! Hyung! Never!" Jinyoung said quickly, his eyes going wide with panic. "Ofcourse I'm glad you moved on. I just meant...there was no relationship to speak of. Nothing to show for it. I just couldn't go the whole family route along with my work." 

"I know. We wouldn't have broken up otherwise." 

Another stretch of silence followed and Jinyoung began to feel the pointlessness of it all.

What he'd deemed as progress just a few minutes ago was turning out to be no progress at all. They were back to square one. They just couldn't seem to communicate at all. How were they supposed to move past to the next step? 

"Hyung I'm not asking you to forget what happened..." 

"I don't think I can either." Jaebeom cut in firmly. 

"Then why the fuck am I here?" 

"Because you said we should try. That we've been given another chance." said Jaebeom. "So here we are, trying. Building something new doesn't necessarily mean wiping out the past. It also means learning from it, taking the lessons learned and making sure the same mistakes aren't repeated. And for that, we need to talk about exactly what went wrong between us."

"I'm not going to apologize for breaking up with you." Jinyoung said, earning a snort from Jaebeom as if he'd expected nothing more. "At that time, breaking up was the best decision for me, for us. The only choice. You would've gotten hurt either way. I didn't want to string you along chasing my dreams. I wanted you to have a life of your own, write books you were proud of. Not just for me, but for yourself. And now look at you, you're a world renowned author! You're doing what you love!" 

"And I'll forever be grateful for that!" Jaebeom returned, stepping closer to him. "But did it ever occur to you that maybe I was already living my dream Jinyoung? That maybe, living for myself meant doing what I loved, but with you by my side?" 

"But that's the point Hyung! I was never 'by your side' when you needed me! Your entire life revolved around me Hyung and it hurt me! To see you hurt because I couldn't give you the love and attention you showered on me, because I couldn't reveal to the world that this was the man I was in love with. The guilt kept eating at me! I couldn't focus on work, I couldn't focus on you, I couldn't focus on myself!"

"But it wasn't your fault Jinyoung! You could've talked to me! That's what your work demanded, that's just how your world is! And I was okay with that! We could have worked through it!" 

"Can you guarantee that? Can you absolutely guarantee that it would all have worked out in the end, without you ending up hating my guts for wasting so many years of your life?" 

"Can you guarantee that it wouldn't have?" 

"This is getting us nowhere!" Jinyoung exclaimed, frustrated. "I'd rather have you hate me while building a life of your own than hate me because you sacrificed everything in the pursuit of _my_ dreams!" he cried, breaking down at the end. 

"Jinyoungie." Jaebeom said, moving closer and taking Jinyoung's hands in his own.

Jinyoung felt the ripple in his skin again and he was sure Jaebeom felt it too. The goosebumps. They'd touched each other again after so long.

"I'm glad we're talking. But we can both see now, how off our understanding of each other is. Maybe we never really knew each other as well as we thought we did." 

"But now we do! Now we do and we can explore more! Learn more! Start over again!" 

"But what's changed now Jinyoungie? You may have retired as an idol, but you're still an actor at the peak of your career. Do you really want to throw it all away?" 

"I'm not throwing anything away. Times have changed, I know you feel it too. Maybe this is our chance now, our chance to make both our dreams come true. Please, please Hyung!" Jinyoung pleaded, dropping his face to Jaebeom's chest and clutching at his shirt. 

"What do you want from me?" Jaebeom asked in a shaky whisper. 

"I want to know if you still feel the same way." 

"I don't _know.._.I've spent ten years trying to erase all trace of you from my life Jinyoung. I don't know what I feel." 

"It's enough that you feel something. Enough for now..."

Jinyoung raised his head again and they both realized at the same time how close they were. Jinyoung's gaze flickered between Jaebeom's lips and his eyes. 

But it was Jaebeom who made the first move. Giving Jinyoung a quick peck on the lips. Testing waters. He looked back into Jinyoung's eyes, waiting for his response. 

So Jinyoung grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him, long and deep. 

Another set of goosebumps erupted all over Jinyoung's body as he finally placed an arm around Jaebeom's waist and pulled him closer, the other hand still palming his face. 

His fingers traced Jaebeom's sharp cheekbones. 

The light stubble on his chin that rubbed against his. 

The corner of his mouth as it melted against his own. 

The piercings in his ear that glinted in the semi-darkness of the foyer. 

The twin moles above his eye that reminded Jinyoung of twin moons. 

His long hair that fell to just below his ears and tickled Jinyoung's cheeks. 

His broad shoulders that enveloped Jinyoung completely. 

His sturdy chest that had comforted Jinyoung through countless nights of dispair during his struggling days. 

His wide hips that slotted perfectly against Jinyoung's narrower ones. 

His strong thigh that parted Jinyoung's legs. 

The warmth between his legs that brought Jinyoung's yearning to a peak. 

The wetness inside that awakened Jinyoung's lust. 

His warm core that fluttered around Jinyoung's fingers with need. 

His breathy sighs as Jinyoung took off his clothes one by one. 

His nails digging into skin as Jinyoung pushed inside him against the wall. 

The hitching of his breath as Jinyoung took a nipple into his mouth and bit down gently. 

His helpless moans as Jinyoung moved faster and pumped him along. 

His barely muffled wail as they both came hard. 

His tears of agony as he cried into Jinyoung's embrace that he didn't feel it anymore, that it was too late for them. 

Jinyoung traced all that and filed it away in his memories. 

There was no second chance for them after all. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few days ago I tweeted that I wanted to write a time traveler au but I ended up writing this fic. And even though it was kind of cathartic, writing the sad ending, I didn't want to end it like that. So instead of writing a completely new fic, I thought I could turn this into a time traveling au instead.
> 
> It's not exactly what I had in mind for my time traveler au, that one's more in line with Kate and Leopold and I'm working on it currently. But I really wanted to write this, so I hope you guys like it too.

* * *

A few weekends later, Jinyoung was back at the Café, hoping to catch a glimpse of Jaebeom and Yugyeom again. 

And he wasn't disappointed, as he saw Jaebeom walking across the street with a large grocery bag in one hand and Yugyeom holding on to the other, skipping at every alternate step with his tiny feet secured not so securely in unlaced shoes. 

He watched through the café's clear glass window as Jaebeom crouched down to tie them up at the same time as Yugyeom mouthed a question to him, he watched Jaebeom throw his head back and let out a helpless guffaw, his mouth open wide, just like Jinyoung remembered. 

The wind ruffled Jaebeom's long hair and Jinyoung felt the strange rippling sensation moving through his skin again, as if it were his own fingers and not the wind that carded through Jaebeom's inky back locks and messed them up so endearingly. 

He could almost hear it, Jaebeom's laughter, shaking in waves, like the crests and troughs of a beating heart. Could almost feel the air that escaped from his lungs and scented the world with his essence, that called to Jinyoung more potently than ever. The warmth of his skin beneath those thick layers of woolen clothing, pale skin that always bruised so easily under Jinyoung's desperate lips and forceful grip. 

He wondered if the marks were still there and if Jaebeom ever looked at them with the fondness of a love that had been, or did he, perhaps, look at them with shame at his moment of weakness? Jinyoung couldn't help feeling that it was the latter. 

And yet, Jaebeom had never looked more beautiful. 

Jinyoung ignored yet another call from his manager. He had strict instructions to never disturb Jinyoung on his days off. He meant to spend the day reveling in the few seconds' glimpse of Jaebeom and Yugyeom he'd managed to catch. 

Even if there was no possibility of a second chance for him and Jaebeom, he wasn't going to let anyone take this away from him, for as long as he could bear it. 

And so it continued, around the same hour, every other weekend that he managed to get off work. He'd just finished filming the last episode of his latest drama and there was only the post production work left, before he'd be too busy traveling all over the country for promotional activities. 

At times, he could have sworn that Yugyeom caught him watching. He even waved in Jinyoung's direction once, but Jaebeom pulled him away without a glance. So he couldn't be too sure. 

Sometimes, when Jaebeom paused across the street to adjust Yugyeom's jacket, or tie his shoelaces, or dust some dirt off his pants, or simply crouched down to talk to him for a few seconds, Jinyoung wondered if they both knew. If Jaebeom felt his eyes on them too. 

But even if they did, neither of them made any attempt to call out to him again. 

A few weeks later, the promotional activities for his drama were finally upon him and Jinyoung found himself unable to visit the café for four weeks straight. 

When he finally managed to grab a day off, he went back and found Jaebeom and Yugyeom sitting in his usual spot. 

He sat down gingerly at their table and Jaebeom ordered him an Americano, while Yugyeom pulled out a drawing he'd made with the color set Jinyoung had gifted him. A child's drawing of a man made up of geometric shapes, with a purple face and a big "W" for what was clearly a huge, fat bottom. The letters "JINUN UNCLE" were written in bold red over its head, incase it wasn't clear enough. 

"We been comin heve evevy weeken fo' hot choco." he chirped through a mouthful of pastry. 

He seemed to have developed his speech more, pronouncing his T's properly now. Jinyoung felt a strange sense of paternal pride. 

"Is that supposed to be me?" he smiled down at the drawing. 

"Yep." said Yugyeom proudly, handing it over to Jinyoung. 

"Thank you." Jinyoung said, his voice trembling as much as his hands. "This is the best gift I've ever received."

Yugyeom's face lit up at that and he ran up to Jinyoung to kiss him on the cheek. 

"Papa! Can I go play now?" he asked Jaebeom, pointing at the miniature play area at the centre of the large café, where a few other kids were already squealing in excitement on the slides and swing set. 

"Okay, but only for ten minutes. We have to go home then. And no tantrums." Jaebeom warned sternly before he let Yugyeom hop off to join in on the fun. 

He caught Jinyoung giving him a tender look and sighed. 

"Jinyoung, this has to stop. You're making it hard for us both."

Jinyoung couldn't think of a response to that. No one knew better than him that this had to stop. For his own sanity and for Jaebeom's peace of mind. In his obsession, he hadn't even paused to think how it would affect Jaebeom, knowing he wasn't even trying to move on. 

But even so, his heart wouldn't let him think straight. 

"Hyung please..." he begged. "This is all I have. Let me have this..."

"For how long Jinyoung? Forget about me, what about you? You're a celebrity! You've lived a fairly unquestionable public image for ten years, ten years! And all of a sudden, you're acting so weird! It's like I don't even know you anymore! This isn't like you at all! What happened last time was a mistake, you shouldn't allow it to mess up everything you've worked so hard for!"

"It wasn't a mistake and it didn't mess up anything! I just need time, I'll be okay, I promise!"

Jaebeom stood up suddenly. 

"Jinyoung, please! Don't you see how you hurt me when you talk like this? This isn't normal, this isn't healthy! Not for you, not for me and certainly not for Yugyeom!" 

Jinyoung opened his mouth again, but Jaebeom cut him off. 

"Do you know how scared I got when I didn't see you here for the past few weeks? I wanted to confront you before but I held myself back, so I wouldn't end up saying something that could push you over the edge! As much as I try not to care, I still do Jinyoung! But I can't give you what you want, I can't love you again! Not now, not ever!"

Jinyoung felt his heart shatter again as he saw the tears glistening in Jaebeom's eyes. 

"Hyung please! I'm sorry!" Jinyoung grabbed Jaebeom's hand and forced him to sit back down. 

He knew Jaebeom only complied because they were in a public place and Yugyeom was with them. But it didn't matter, as long as he could prolong the moment, keep Jaebeom near him for as long as he could. 

"Just one day!" Jinyoung pleaded. "Let me have just one day with you and Yugyeom and I promise you'll never see me again."

"Thats not what I want Jinyoung. I don't want to go back to acting like you don't exist. That never worked for me anyway."

"Then tell me what you want! I'll do anything, anything!" 

"I want you to promise me that you'll be happy. I want you to move on with your life. Without me." Jaebeom said, his voice barely audible now as he fought to keep his composure. "I don't want us to be strangers again, but I can't sleep at night, knowing you're out here waiting for me like this. I got my closure the last time we met, after so many years of waiting. I want you to have that too." 

They stared each other down for a long time, people coming and going out of the café, while Yugyeom remained blissfully ignorant in his little play area. 

"Okay." Jinyoung said, almost in a whisper. "Okay...I promise I'll try."

"Not try Jinyoung. I want you to do it."

"You know you're asking for a lot but you're not giving me anything in return." 

"This isn't a business deal Jinyoung!" Jaebeom snapped in a furious whisper. "I need you to do this for yourself, for us!" 

"But there _is_ no 'us', is there Hyung?" Jinyoung smiled bitterly. 

"You know what I mean!"

"Then give me this one day. Give me one day with you and Gyeom and I promise I'll move on."

Jaebeom bit his lip, his nostrils flared as if he wanted to do nothing but punch Jinyoung in the face. 

Jinyoung didn't care. 

"Fine." Jaebeom sighed, rubbing his tired eyes in defeat. "If that's what it takes."

And so, fifteen minutes later, Jinyoung drove Jaebeom and Yugyeom back to their apartment, much to Yugyeom's delight. 

Immediately upon entering his home, he grabbed Jinyoung's hand and pulled him into his tiny play room, showing him all his drawings and his new train set that his father had bought him for his fourth birthday. 

Jaebeom left them mostly alone, putting away the groceries as he watched them occasionally through the open door of the playroom, responding with a smile whenever Yugyeom called out to him but quickly looking away whenever he caught Jinyoung's eye. 

Jinyoung couldn't have enough, his heart swelling almost unbearably with happiness. 

Once Yugyeom was occupied with a fresh new drawing for Jinyoung to take back for his goddaughter Yeji, Jinyoung joined Jaebeom in the kitchen and helped him prepare lunch. They worked well together despite years of being away, Jinyoung cutting the meat and vegetables while Jaebeom seasoned and cooked, giving him instructions every now and then. 

The awkwardness was still there, but there was something else that quickly seemed to eclipse it. 

Want. 

He could feel it growing in Jaebeom too as the afternoon wore on, with Yugyeom squeezed in between them on the couch while they watched the latest Avengers movie on his tablet. 

The close proximity between them, despite Yugyeom's presence was almost painful. Every little intake of breath, every exhale, every shift of a limb, every tiny grunt was enhanced ten-fold. 

Things came to a head late in the evening, when Jaebeom walked out of Yugyeom's room slowly, having carried him to bed, and offered Jinyoung some wine. 

There was a lot of awkward maneuvering and throat clearing as they skirted around each other in the kitchen, Jaebeom looking for the wine glasses that he rarely used and Jinyoung hunting for some snacks. 

Needless to say, the next hour found them completely intoxicated by a heady mixture of wine and lust, desperately grasping at each other's clothes, both trying to get the other naked as fast as they could. Jinyoung walked Jaebeom into his bedroom, still kissing him furiously and pushed him down on the bed, a little too roughly. 

"Side drawer." Jaebeom panted, spreading his legs immediately, looking as desperate as Jinyoung felt. 

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Jinyoung knew it was just a need to get off. Jaebeom must hardly have time for himself, as his life seemed to revolve almost completely around Yugyeom. But Jinyoung would take what Jaebeom was willing to give without question. 

So he quickly lubed up his fingers from the barely touched bottle, using more than necessary in his hurry, and watched Jaebeom lose himself in ecstasy as he massaged his rim and then pumped his fingers in, one by one. 

By the time Jaebeom had helped him roll on the condom and he'd bottomed out inside him, they were both beyond reason. Neither of them worried about the consequences anymore, a desperate need to get off fogging up their brains and sending them both into a mindless frenzy. 

Outside the apartment, the world was in chaos, as an off season rain accompanied by thunder and lightening lashed out at the city with a vengeance. 

Inside, there was nothing but fire and self destruction. 

Jaebeom arched his long neck and whimpered with every push, his hands scrambling all over Jinyoung's torso and shoulders trying to get a good grip, but too overwhelmed by the sensation of Jinyoung shoving himself in as deep as he could. 

His hands planted firmly on either side of Jaebeom's head, Jinyoung thrust into him so forcefully that Jaebeom actually slid up the bedspread quite a bit every time, as if Jinyoung was trying to leave a permanent imprint inside him that he could never get rid of. 

His head lolled to the side with a particularly hard thrust, exposing his unmarked neck that had always been Jinyoung's weakness, the expanse of milky skin so inviting that Jinyoung couldn't help biting down. Harder than he'd intended. 

Jaebeom yelped and pushed his hand frantically against Jinyoung's mouth, leaving a scratch on his cheek in the process. Jinyoung would definitely here about it from his makeup Noona, but in that moment he was beyond caring as he turned his head and took Jaebeom's fingers into his mouth, licking and sucking on them. 

"Jinyoung..."

Jinyoung slowed down a little then, at Jaebeom's scared tone, taking his fingers out of his mouth and kissing his hand in apology. 

But he couldn't bring himself to stop. 

The madness was growing inside him, led along by the the sound of rain and thunder outside. He just wanted to keep going and never stop, to make Jaebeom feel every thrust, every touch, to keep reminding Jaebeom to whom he belonged. 

As Jinyoung pushed himself in impossibly deep for the last time, Jaebeom let out a cry and curled off the bed to bury his face into Jinyoung's neck, his convulsing body wrapped around Jinyoung in a tight embrace, as if his tormentor was also his protector.

This thoughtless, naive gesture alone was enough to calm Jinyoung down and send him over the edge, making him cum hard. 

After a few long moments of trying to catch their breaths and delaying the inevitable of having to face each other again, Jinyoung managed to push himself out of Jaebeom's embrace and off the bed, looking down at him to check if he was okay. But before he could properly gauge his state, Jaebeom had buried his face into a pillow almost immediately. 

Jinyoung sighed in defeat and stumbled around, trying to find a towel to clean him up. It was agony, counting the marks on Jaebeom's body, watching his muscles contract due to oversensitivity as he wiped him off while his face remained hidden, like he couldn't bring himself to look at Jinyoung and their fresh bit of shame. 

Once he was done, Jaebeom turned to his side without another word, except for a quickly muffled wince of pain, leaving a large space for Jinyoung on the other side. 

Jinyoung knew that he was only meant to stay the night because it was late and it was just such a Jaebeom thing to do, to care for people quietly, no matter what it cost him. He knew that this wasn't in any way an invitation for Jinyoung to come back into Jaebeom's life. Even he wasn't foolish enough to consider it one.

But he still couldn't help the yearning, the ache, the want. 

Jinyoung closed his eyes as he lay on the bed with his back turned to Jaebeom, the desperate wish of a second chance on his lips left unspoken like a prayer, along with the tears drying on his pillow. 

He shoved his fingers into his mouth and bit down on them, clutching at his stomach with the other hand, the pain in his chest pounding along with a funny swooping sensation in his guts, like he was being pulled back, wrenched inside out. A strange ringing began in his ears then, a mix of whispers and screams that sounded familiar but disappeared as soon as he tried to focus on one. 

Oh he was definitely going mad. 

It was supposed to have been their twelfth anniversary today. 

Twelve years to the day Jaebeom had asked him out. Ten years to the day he'd walked out on Jaebeom. 

And Jinyoung was already broken beyond repair. 

*

When Jinyoung opened his eyes again, it was morning and Jaebeom was still snoring next to him. 

He blinked slowly, trying to wake himself up and get ready for the inevitable walk of shame.

But he couldn't tear his eyes away from Jaebeom's naked back, for what he was sure would be the last time. For real. 

He reached out with his fingers and traced Jaebeom's spine lightly, he hadn't gotten a proper look last night but something felt odd. Now that he was seeing him naked in the morning light, Jaebeom looked slimmer than Jinyoung had expected, more angular. He felt firmer too as Jinyoung slid his hand down his hip. 

It was probably all the loose shirts he loved wearing that made him look softer than he really was, but Jinyoung was sure he'd felt a bit more flesh under his fingers last night. 

And yet, here was Jaebeom looking as if he hadn't aged at all in the past ten years, except for his face that was still turned away. 

At least some things hadn't changed. 

Jinyoung sat up, swung his legs over the edge and reached for his clothes that were strewn around on the floor next to the bed. As he tried to pull on his pants quietly, he lost his balance and smacked his hand against the bedside lamp loudly, barely managing to hold it in place before it tipped over. 

But the damage was done. 

"Fuck!" he cursed under his breath, massaging his palm and glancing at Jaebeom's slowly stirring form. 

Jaebeom was waking up now, stretching lazily like a cat. Jinyoung watched mesmerized as his lithe body arched off the bed gracefully, fingers curled into tiny fists above his head while his eyes blinked open as slow as possible. 

He turned around to look at Jinyoung and...

smiled.

"Happy anniversary babe."

To say Jinyoung was shocked was a massive understatement. 

He was downright petrified. 

Had Jaebeom lost his mind? 

And why did he look so different? Jinyoung couldn't really point it out but Jaebeom somehow looked different, more fresh, more vibrant. Even his movements seemed more agile, as he stretched again and sat up. 

Come to think of it, Jinyoung felt a lot lighter himself. As an actor he'd kept up with his fitness, but his joints sure as hell felt different. 

Was the afterglow ever this potent? 

And did Jaebeom really get up in the middle of the night to cut his hair? His long locks were all but gone, replaced by a neat undercut. 

Jinyoung quickly opened the curtains further to let the morning sun in, so he could look at Jaebeom properly. All he saw was the golden sunlight reflecting off of Jaebeom's tight, smooth skin, his long neck, his lean muscles and his...abs?

"What're you doing over there? C'mere..." Jaebeom mumbled groggily, holding a hand out to Jinyoung with one eye closed and the other squinting against the sunlight. 

That's when Jinyoung noticed that they weren't in Jaebeom's apartment anymore. 

They were in _their_ apartment, from ten years ago. The familiarity of it having prevented Jinyoung from noticing this glaringly obvious fact until right this moment. 

He took a few tentative steps towards Jaebeom just as the realization dawned on him. 

"Hyung..." he began, looking around to make sure his mind wasn't playing any tricks on him. 

He was sure there was some logical explanation for this. Maybe, somewhere in the middle of the night they'd both decided to drive over and relive old memories, or perhaps this was all a particularly lucid dream... 

As soon as he was within reach, Jaebeom lunged forward, grabbed his hand and pinned him down on the bed so fast that Jinyoung hardly had time to realize what was happening.

It was when they were barely an inch apart, breathing each other's morning breath and Jinyoung was almost cross-eyed as he looked into Jaebeom's now bagless eyes, that he realized something with a jolt. 

"Hyung, what's the date today?" 

"Ehh?" Jaebeom asked, busy peppering Jinyoung's jaw with light kisses. 

"The date?" 

"Why do you always come up with the dumbest questions when I'm about to fuck you?" Jaebeom grumbled in between kisses. "You always do this when it's my turn!"

"Hyung just answer the damn question!" Jinyoung exclaimed, forcing himself out of Jaebeom's tight hold to stand next to the bed. 

"9th September! Happy?" Jaebeom snapped, sitting up with his elbows resting on his knees. 

"The year?" 

He crossed his fingers. 

"2010? But why're you even...hey, baby what's wrong?" Jaebeom asked, pulling Jinyoung into his lap and placing a soothing hand against his cheek, as the realization that Jinyoung was genuinely disturbed finally dawned on him. "Did you forget it? Is that why you're worried?" 

Jinyoung would never forget that date, even if he wanted to. It was the day he'd broken up with Jaebeom, ten years ago. They'd woken up just like this and he'd made breakfast for Jaebeom before things got out of hand and their little world ended. 

"I-I have to go out for a bit..." he said, shaking his head as if it would realign certain disarranged parts of his brain automatically. 

"You told me you didn't have a schedule today." said Jaebeom, no trace of accusation or resentment in his tone. Just a simple statement of fact. 

Jinyoung snapped out of his current predicament to actually read Jaebeom's face then. The bags under his eyes hadn't begun to show yet, but the haggard look that would permanently mar his features ten years later was there, his effortlessly youthful features that Jinyoung had always teased in mock envy. 

There was no disappointment in his eyes, just resignation, clear as day. Jaebeom was so used to Jinyoung bailing out on him that he wasn't even disappointed anymore, let alone mad. 

Jinyoung suddenly felt a sense of dej vu. 

He knew what had happened that day. He'd received a sudden text from one of his producers about having to reshoot a few scenes. He'd asked Jinyoung if he was free, telling him that they could reschedule if he wanted. 

But Jinyoung knew he had to go anyway, because it was his first ever project as a lead actor and he knew that giving him an option was just a formality, that the producers would remember it if he refused, and word would spread quickly about his unprofessionalism. His career would end before it had even started. 

So he'd decided to go and then they'd gotten into the biggest fight of their lives. 

Jaebeom had seemed to not even care whether Jinyoung stayed or not, simply telling him to not try coming home early since work was more important, which Jinyoung had assumed to be a jab rather than a statement of fact and which in turn had irritated him beyond measure. 

So instead of explaining to Jaebeom why it was absolutely necessary for him to go, he'd snapped at his seeming disinterest in their relationship, causing Jaebeom to finally get mad and hit back with interest, pointing out every little sacrifices he'd made to make their relationship work. 

So ofcourse Jinyoung told him that if he was so unhappy, why didn't he just end it? 

And even then, even then they'd both known that they were being unfair to each other but ofcourse, once the fight had started, things escalated from there very quickly and Jinyoung walked out, never to return again, until he came back to collect his things when Jaebeom wasn't home. 

It had been a long time coming anyway.

Jinyoung remembered every moment of that day. Every word. And there was only one way to confirm his suspicions about what was going on. He walked over to his side table and flipped open his old cell phone. 

There it was, the fateful message from his producer, sent ten minutes ago. 

Jaebeom's hawk eyes were on him immediately. 

Jinyoung switched off the phone, closed his eyes and hit himself in the face several times before opening them again. 

"Jinyoung, what the fuck are you doing?" came Jaebeom's scared voice. 

Jinyoung ignored the question and switched on the phone again, read the message once more. It stayed the same. 

_"Jinyoung ssi, I know it's your day off but do you mind stepping over to the set for a bit today? The director isn't too happy with some of the shots we got yesterday. Ofcourse, if you're too busy, we can reschedule. It would put us behind for atleast a day but we can make an exception for you."_

Last time, he'd immediately thrown his phone into his bag and hurried into the shower, calling back at Jaebeom that he had to go. 

But this time had to be different. 

"Babe? What's wrong?" Jaebeom asked, his voice uneven due to worry, still husky from sleep. 

Jinyoung looked at Jaebeom but his brain couldn't seem to work enough to vocalize its dilemma. 

"Babe? Is everything okay? Is it bad news? You're scaring me." Jaebeom asked, his hand reaching out hesitantly. 

And finally, Jinyoung had made his decision.

Whatever this was - dream, magic or simple madness - he was going to make the best of it while he had the chance. 

Jinyoung placed the phone back down on the table, took off his shirt and climbed back into bed next to Jaebeom, giving him a long, passionate kiss. 

"It's nothing." he said, in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. 

Jaebeom looked at him for a moment, his face soft and cheeks red from the kiss. 

"What do you mean it's nothing? You looked like someone died. Just tell me!"

"No seriously, Hyung. It's just work stuff, nothing we can't take care of. Just kiss me again." 

"Jinyoung..." 

"Hyung..." Jinyoung hummed with a smile, placing kisses down Jaebeom's jaw and moving to his neck, a mere teaser of what was to come. 

He was going to make Jaebeom feel special today, put all the love he was capable of in every touch, every kiss, every breath. Make up for ten years of lost time. 

"Jinyoungie." said Jaebeom, his breath hitching. 

"Hmm..." Jinyoung responded nuzzling into his neck, his fingers finding one of Jaebeom's thighs and hiking it up around his waist before sliding his hand up the soft surface to his butt. 

"Show me the message." Jaebeom panted, gripping Jinyoung's shoulders for support. 

"Babe..."

"Show me the message Jinyoung." 

Jinyoung bit his lip and pulled away, handing his phone over to Jaebeom from the side table. Jaebeom took his time reading and comprehending the words.

"You're not gonna go?" 

"Ofcourse not." said Jinyoung, pecking him on the lips. "It's our day today, I haven't seen you naked in so long." 

"What's gotten into you this morning?" Jaebeom asked, his tone filled with wonder and suspicion. "Just until yesterday I had to keep reminding you not to let your company schedule photo ops on our anniversary and now you're blowing off your producer to spend the day with me?" 

"I am." 

"Just like that?" 

"Just like that." 

"Are you cheating on me? Is that what this is about?" 

"What? woah!" 

Jinyoung stared at Jaebeom with wide eyes. He distinctly remembered Jaebeom screaming at him ten years ago that he wouldn't even be surprised if Jinyoung was cheating on him. But he didn't think it would come up this time too. It seemed like their fight from then was being rehashed and remoulded according to Jinyoung's actions in this weird past-present scenario. 

This was a test. He could do this. 

"It's not your birthday, it's not my birthday either. So why..." Jaebeom continued. 

"Hyung, isn't it enough that I want to spend my day with you?" 

"It is, but-" But Jinyoung cut him off with a kiss. 

Jaebeom kissed him back before Jinyoung felt a strong push against his chest. 

"Jinyoungie, go to your schedule."

"What?"

"It's your first movie. Don't mess this up for me." 

"I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for me. I wanna stay here with you and that's that." said Jinyoung, laying down on his back with his arms crossed under his head stubbornly. 

Jaebeom gave him a long look, one mixed with longing and something else, something more beautiful. 

Suddenly, he swooped down and kissed Jinyoung, again and again. 

"Babe. Go. I'll be right here waiting for you, okay?" 

"Hyung..." 

"Go!" said Jaebeom, pushing at his shoulders to get him off the bed. 

"Are you sure?" Jinyoung asked, stumbling to his feet. 

Jaebeom smiled at him and for the first time in a long time, Jinyoung could detect no trace of resignation.

Instead there was hope, understanding, forgiveness. 

"I'm sure." 

"You're not going to disappear on me are you?" Jinyoung asked, only half teasing. 

"I'm not going anywhere babe." 

Jinyoung's heart soared. He'd passed. 

Suddenly, he felt the strong pull in his gut again and his vision blurred. The ringing sound in his ears was back too - whispering, talking, laughing, screaming.

This time he recognized some of it as his own, as if something was dragging him across multiple realities of his own existence. 

*

And just like that, he woke up again in his own penthouse apartment, in his own giant bed. 

Drops of sweat beaded his forehead as he placed his face into his palms. It was all just a dream, but it had felt so real. He glanced at his side table, looking for his phone to check the time and date, but it wasn't there. 

"Looking for this?" came a voice from his other side, making him jump. His heart racing nineteen to the dozen. 

Even as he recognized the soft, lazy drawl that was music to his ears. 

He turned around slowly, expecting the day ahead being spent in a therapist's office trying to make sense of what was going on with him. 

But instead of an empty pillow, he was greeted by the broad, solid form of a 36 year old Jaebeom lying in his bed in what Jinyoung recognized as his own shirt. 

Jaebeom held his phone out. 

"I was just texting the hospital that we'll be coming in today." 

Hospital? 

"Hyung, what are you doing here?" 

"I could ask you the same. Aren't you supposed to be cooking our anniversary breakfast? Why're you still in bed? Just because it's our twelfth, suddenly the romance is done? 

"Twelfth anniversary?" 

"Really Jinyoungie? You've made this same joke practically every year. Now go cook, I'm hungry." said Jaebeom, laying down on his back again and stretching like a cat. "And try not to burn the toast too much this time." 

His body seemed different this time too. Much broader than ten years ago but still younger, no visible bags under his eyes, no worry lines, not a trace of his drawn out, haggard look. A 36 year old that had never known the pain of losing the love of his life. 

"Is this real?" Jinyoung wondered out loud. 

"Hunh?" Jaebeom said, his eyes still closed. 

"You, are you real?" Jinyoung asked, touching Jaebeom's face. 

Jaebeom opened his eyes, looking confused for a moment, but then his lips widened into a smirk. He raised himself up on his elbows and gently pulled Jinyoung's fingers away from his face to place them on his crotch instead. 

"Nice pick up line, husband. What do you think?" He teased with a wink. 

_Husband_. 

Jinyoung's body acted on its own, as he smashed his mouth against Jaebeom's and they both fell back on the bed with Jinyoung pinning Jaebeom's hands next to his head. 

He pulled away and looked at Jaebeom. 

"Thank you." He whispered, his eyes burning. 

"For what?" Jaebeom asked, his smile softer now, still a little confused as he tried to catch his breath. 

"For staying. For helping me become the man I am today." 

An now it was Jaebeom's turn to hold back his tears. 

They spent the entire day making love, with an abundance of cuddling in between. Breakfast and lunch completely forgotten. 

As the afternoon melted into evening, Jinyoung rolled off of Jaebeom with a tired sigh, sated beyond measure. 

"Thank God we aren't too old for this atleast." Jaebeom said with a breathless chuckle. 

They stayed like that for a while, just holding hands. Jinyoung looked around his bedroom and saw the art pieces on the wall, the books lined up on a work desk, some of them with Jaebeom's name printed on them, the guitar case in the corner...

All evidence of twelve years of life spent with his husband. 

"Thank you Jinyoungie." 

"For what?" 

"For staying." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I never told you this but...that day, on our second anniversary, when your producer texted you...I really thought you were going to leave me alone all day by myself, without hesitation. But then you decided to stay. Just like that." 

"But I did leave you alone." 

"Yes, but only because I told you to. And that's what made all the difference." 

"Hyung..." 

"Forget it. I just... I've had this on my chest for so long. I just wanted you to know, how much it meant to me." 

Jinyoung let go of Jaebeom's hand to pull him to his chest. 

"I love you." he said, kissing the top of Jaebeom's hair. 

"I love you too." 

It was bliss, the happiest day of Jinyoung's life in years. 

And yet, he couldn't get rid of a strange feeling gnawing at the back of his mind. 

He finally had Jaebeom in his arms just like it was supposed to be, but there was still something missing. Like he was forgetting something.

Try as he might, he just couldn't put a finger on it. 

"My turn!" Jaebeom suddenly exclaimed with glee, as he climbed on top of Jinyoung. 

Jinyoung tried to forget himself again, giggling and moaning as Jaebeom's fingers found their way inside him. 

But he couldn't really get into it. 

The feeling kept coming back, knocking gently against the door of his sub conscious again and again, despite Jaebeom pounding into him almost feverishly, until they both came for what felt like the dozenth time that day. 

Once he'd come down from his high and Jaebeom was fast asleep on his chest again, snoring loudly, it suddenly hit him like a freight train. 

The thing that was missing. 

The person that was missing. 

Yugyeom. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming home

While the grilled cheese sizzled on the frying pan, Jinyoung hurried towards the freezer to get some ice for his hand. 

"Did you burn yourself again?" Jaebeom called from his office, where he was working on his latest book. 

"Um, no..." Jinyoung responded in a barely audible tone. 

"I heard a yelp! I haven't seen you since our anniversary, don't die on me now!" 

"It's not as bad as last time!" Jinyoung called back in defeat as Jaebeom barked out his signature laugh. 

He didn't know how, but somehow his brain was filled with twelve years worth of memories of their domestic life - engagement, secret wedding, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, walks through parks, parties with friends, hiding from cameras, announcing his marriage to the world...a whole different life. 

But it was the memories of his previous life that still haunted him in the form of Yugyeom, Jackson, Mark and Yeji. 

He'd gone out with Jackson as a PR stunt but ended up becoming best friends with him instead. He'd also met Mark through Jackson, a model whom he'd been secretly dating at the time. They had ended up clicking and Mark had named Jinyoung Godfather to his daughter Yeji. People he had no reason to meet in this life because he was already out for the past couple of years. 

And Jaebeom? Jaebeom's best friend Youngjae, whose adopted son Bambam had been Yugyeom's schoolmate and best friend too. Jinyoung had met them briefly when they'd dropped Yugyeom off at their place. Youngjae had seemed like a particularly vibrant and cheerful man, who had helped Jaebeom through some of the most difficult times of his life. 

Now Youngjae didn't even know of Jaebeom. And Bambam? Bambam didn't know either, that Yugyeom didn't exist anymore. 

A whole different life, a whole different future lost, just like that. Like it had all meant nothing.

All for Jinyoung's selfish desires. 

Jinyoung sighed heavily, the conflicting emotions in his heart were exhausting him physically. 

At the end of the day, the question that nagged constantly at him was, whether having Jaebeom was really worth giving up the hardships and experiences that had shaped their personalities in their previous life?

Wasn't Jinyoung more in love than ever with the man Jaebeom had been then? A single father who'd taken responsibility of his child and built a fulfilling life of his own, an achievement to be proud of as much as his books? 

What gave Jinyoung the right to rediscover his love for Jaebeom suddenly and rip him away from his life, his friends, his son? To redo everything, just like that? 

What gave him the right to do that to himself? 

Hadn't he learnt to live with the constant ache in his heart that yearned for Jaebeom for ten years? Hadn't he himself come out stronger, more resilient, knowing he was capable of doing what he thought was the right thing, even if it killed him inside? 

Was it even love anymore? Was it not...obsession? 

What would they be like now, in this life? Would they be just as strong in the face of hardship and loss, when they had never even experienced it? 

Would he be able to live with himself for the rest of his life, knowing Jaebeom was completely unaware that his son didn't exist anymore? A son he loved more than anything in the world? 

Already, Jaebeom was beginning to suspect that something was wrong. No matter how hard Jinyoung tried to hide it, Jaebeom could clearly see that he wasn't as happy as he'd been on their anniversary anymore. 

Was this second chance even worth it? 

Jinyoung stumbled over a large ball of fur, saving the tray of grilled cheese in the nick of time. A self-satisfied purr at his feet made him close his eyes in exasperation. Nora, Jaebeom's cat seemed to love getting in Jinyoung's way. He could've sworn she knew he was hiding something from Jaebeom and was the only one who actually saw him as the selfish douchebag he really was. 

"Thanks babe." said Jaebeom, grabbing a piece and stuffing it in his large mouth whole. 

Jinyoung flashed him what he hoped was a bright smile and set the tray aside, winding his arms around Jaebeom's neck instead and leaning against the back of his chair with his chin on his head. 

"Hyung?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Are you sure you really want to do this?" 

Jaebeom didn't pause chewing but Jinyoung felt his shoulders tense just a tiny bit. 

"Babe, we've already rescheduled our appointment from last time. I don't think we can afford another delay." 

"That's not what I asked." 

"We've been having this conversation for years, Jinyoung. I know my initial reaction doesn't inspire much confidence, but I know how much you want this. If you're happy, I'm happy." 

Jinyoung massaged Jaebeom's shoulders absently, his frown growing deeper as he sunk further into his own mind. Jaebeom took a deep breath and leaned back to look up at him upside down. 

"What are you thinking?" he asked, reaching up to tug gently at a strand of Jinyoung's hair to get his attention. 

"I just want to know what's going through your head one last time." Jinyoung said. "Before we go and sign the papers. We can still back out you know, just say the word."

He knew this was the coward's way out, trying to get Jaebeom to make the decision for him, without telling him anything. So he could lessen his guilt.

Jaebeom bit his lip and Jinyoung could see he was thinking really hard on how to respond as delicately as possible, not knowing exactly why Jinyoung was so gloomy. He placed a hand on one of Jinyoung's and pulled him around into his lap, winding his arms tightly around his waist. 

"It's a big step for us babe, what with your career and everything." he sighed finally. "You've only just come out to your fans. I know I said I didn't want a baby before, but I've had enough time to think it through. I love you more than anything in this world and if you love the baby, I'll love it just as much."

"Are you sure you don't want to be the donor?" 

"That wouldn't be fair. I know how much you want this."

"But still, it might help..."

"...endear me more to it? I don't need you to make that sacrifice for me. I'll love it because it's a part of you and that should be enough for all three of us. Four, if you count Nora."

Jinyoung chuckled lightly and buried his face into Jaebeom's neck quickly to hide the increased pain that would surely show on his face. Years of acting and he hadn't mastered the art to lie to Jaebeom yet. 

Jaebeom hugged him tighter. He was definitely aware by now that Jinyoung was disturbed about something he couldn't share, yet he hadn't exactly tried to force it out of him yet. 

And what could Jinyoung even tell him? 

The ache and guilt and Yugyeom's tiny little face. His bright smile that he now realized he'd come to love almost as much as he loved Jaebeom...they all stabbed at his heart like sharp knives, day and night. 

What would Yugyeom think, if he knew his Jinun uncle was leading his father into a life where there was no room to even remember him? 

He'd forced Jaebeom to make the decision for him. But somehow, that had ended up worsening his guilt. 

*

By the time they reached the hospital, Jinyoung's shirt was drenched in sweat, his brain felt like it was burning and his heart was ready to give out any moment. 

Instead of answering Jaebeom's worried questions, he focused on his breathing, holding Jaebeom's hand tightly during the entire elevator ride to the top floor where the IVF centre was located. 

And by the time they reached the doctor's office, where a clerk from the administrative department brought the permission papers for him to sign, he realized he was about to pass out, his pen poised on the blank space where his signature was supposed to go. His brain had short circuited and shut down completely. 

He couldn't do it. 

No matter what happened between him and Jaebeom, no matter how blissful the past few weeks of their domestic life had been, he didn't want to have a world in which Yugyeom did not exist. 

The doctor tried to talk him through it and so did Jaebeom, but nothing would induce Jinyoung to sign the papers or tell them why he couldn't. 

Finally, Jaebeom seemed to understand that it wasn't happening, no matter what. Atleast not today. So Jinyoung waited in the hospital bathroom while Jaebeom had a short discussion with the doctor on how to handle this new turn of events. 

"Baby?" Jaebeom poked his head in, looking all around before finding Jinyoung sunk tiredly on a small bench in the corner of the bathroom. 

Jinyoung gave him one look and burst into tears, making Jaebeom run to him and scoop him up into a tight hug. 

"Hyung, take me to the river please, I can't breath!" Jinyoung cried, holding onto Jaebeom for dear life. "I can't breath, help me, please..."

A few hours later, while walking along the river, Jinyoung suddenly broke the silence and apologized to Jaebeom for being selfish, for thinking only of himself. 

"I keep promising you things and then backing out once you're into it too. I did it ten years ago on our anniversary and I did it again today. It's so unfair, why don't you hate me already!" he wailed, breaking down again. 

"Jinyoungie what are you even talking about?" Jaebeom exclaimed, grabbing his face and forcing him to look at him. "You did nothing ten years ago that I didn't make you do! You're the most caring and selfless person I know! I wanted the baby because you wanted it, but it doesn't mean I'll hate you for changing your mind!" 

"I'm not..." Jinyoung sobbed. "I'm not who you think I am. I'm a fraud..."

Jaebeom for the life of him couldn't understand what he was talking about, but he stood patiently, holding Jinyoung tight to indicate that he was listening. 

"Don't say that Jinyoungie. I don't know what's going on with you, I don't even know if you're talking about what happened today or something else entirely, but you know that I love you more than anything in this world, don't you? Please say you do."

"I do Hyung..."

"Then why-" 

"Because that's the problem! It's not supposed to be that way, you don't get it, we shouldn't even be together right now!" Jinyoung burst out, pushing Jaebeom away and walking towards the river's edge in frustration. 

It took him a few minutes of wiping his tears and glaring at the rapidly graying sky above the river to realize that Jaebeom was still standing exactly where he'd left him, frozen in place. 

"Hyung..." he began, walking back towards Jaebeom as the smell of the first few drops of rain hitting the pavement reached his nostrils. 

"Please tell me you haven't found someone else." Jaebeom whispered, his voice weak and filled with pain. "Please tell me you still love me." 

"Oh God Hyung, that's not what I-ofcourse I still love you! Don't ever doubt that!" Jinyoung exclaimed, pulling Jaebeom's face to his chest, just as the light rain turned into a sudden shower and they heard the distant rumbling of thunder. 

"I'll die if you ever say anything like that again Jinyoung." Jaebeom continued in his ear, trembling from the icy cold of the rain. "I promise you, I'll die if you ever try to leave me now. Not after the years we've spent building a home together. Don't ever say anything like that again. Ever." he said, his hands on Jinyoung's waist painfully tight. 

And then he was sobbing. 

When they reached their apartment, Jinyoung headed straight into the shower while Jaebeom went to feed Nora. It was late and her food bowl was almost empty. 

The blast of icy water was nowhere near enough to quench the burning ache in his heart. Jinyoung wished he could drown himself in the puddle at his feet and never surface again. His pain wasn't just his, it was Jaebeom's too now. He couldn't live like this. He couldn't. Not when he knew that their whole life was a lie. 

But Jaebeom said he'd die if Jinyoung ever tried to leave him. 

There was no way to reverse what he'd done.

No redemption. 

The sound of thunder was closer than ever as it rattled the small bathroom window and made his heart squeeze painfully. 

The next moment, he felt warm skin pressing against his back and soft lips pressing against his shoulder. 

Jinyoung placed his palms on the tiled wall infront of him and hung his head, trying to lose himself in the feeling of Jaebeom's light kisses fluttering all over his back, his hands sliding across his belly and along his sides soothingly. 

"Hyung..." he whispered after a while. 

"What do you want baby?" Jaebeom asked immediately, placing more kisses on his neck. 

"I want...I want you. I want to feel you inside me. Can you...?"

"Ofcourse Jinyoungie, anything you need." Jaebeom whispered back, his trembling hand going lower and lower, until it reached Jinyoung's member and began stroking him gently. 

By the time Jaebeom managed to retrieve some lube and his fingers had found the velvety inside of Jinyoung's core, Jinyoung was reduced into a sobbing mess. 

Jaebeom fucked him harder than he had ever done in their twelve years together. Somehow, he seemed to know exactly what Jinyoung needed without having to be told. 

Weren't they just perfect together, Jinyoung thought bitterly, if not for the lies and deception? 

"Harder hyung!" he gasped. "Go harder!" 

And Jaebeom complied, slapping his butt as he pushed into him impossibly deep. 

Somewhere in the middle of it all, as his hands slipped against the tiled walls and he felt Jaebeom's kisses growing messier, his bites growing sharper, his bruising grip growing tighter, Jinyoung began suspecting that he wasn't the only one who'd wanted this punishment. Jaebeom was pounding into him almost mercilessly now. 

"I love you baby..." Jaebeom grunted with every thrust. "...my Jinyoungie...so perfect...so good for me...don't need anything else..."

They were both nearing their edge by now and Jaebeom turned a gasping Jinyoung around roughly, so they could face each other as he hiked Jinyoung's leg up around his waist and slid inside him again. 

Jinyoung wound his arms around Jaebeom's neck and pulled him into a kiss, groaning into his mouth with a tight grip on his hair, trying to keep his balance as Jaebeom began thrusting again, making him slide up and down against the wet tiles, wet skin slapping against wet skin. 

The only sound in the bathroom was the wet squelch of Jaebeom's thrusts, and their moans, barely audible against the thunder outside. Jinyoung was practically standing on the toes of his one foot that was still touching the floor, with Jaebeom more or less holding his entire weight on bent knees. 

As Jaebeom shouldered his folded leg up even further against his chest, Jinyoung broke the kiss and threw his head back with a desperate whimper, which Jaebeom took as an invitation to suck the water from his neck all the way down to his nipple. 

Another thrust, another furious melding of their heated lips, Jaebeom's hand gripping his member to give it one last stroke and Jinyoung was spilling all over his hand, convulsing harder than he'd ever done before. 

As they both collapsed to the floor, their muscles aching, Jinyoung gathered the remaining of his strength and leaned down to take Jaebeom's painfully hard member into his mouth, barely giving it a suck before Jaebeom was shuddering into his mouth and making him swallow down the release with a tight grip on the back of his neck. 

Gasping for air, Jinyoung rested his head back against the wall once Jaebeom released him, the soreness in his throat and around his rim oddly soothing. He could feel Jaebeom trembling next to him, from the cold shower that kept hitting their feverish skin in icy blasts. So he pulled Jaebeom into his arms and cradled his head to his shoulder, rocking him back and forth as they huddled together to keep the warmth in. 

Neither the spray of water, nor the constant rumbling of thunder outside could muffle the sound of Jaebeom's sobs though. 

"It's going to be okay babe...we're going to be okay..." Jinyoung lied, trying to keep his voice steady. 

"I just...I just wish I had a second chance..." Jaebeom cried in his ear. "One chance to set things right...to undo the things that have made you so miserable today..." . 

"Me too, Hyung...me too..."

And suddenly, Jinyoung's vision blurred again, the ringing of voices back in his ears like a familiar melody. 

And just like that, he was waking up in their old apartment again, Jaebeom sound asleep next to him. 

They were back to ten years ago. 

As Jaebeom stirred again, Jinyoung took in a deep breath to get himself ready. 

He knew what he had to do this time. 

*

Ten years later:

"Help!" 

"Yugyeom, come back!" 

Jinyoung stumbled dangerously as a tiny figure bumped into his legs and clung on to them for dear life.

"Gyeomie, papa's here!" a voice called from behind them in a tired, lazy drawl.

A voice that made his hair stand on end. 

Jinyoung turned around carefully, holding the toddler with one hand so he wouldn't run away further, and looked up to find one of the most beautiful pairs of eyes he'd ever seen looking back at him.

"This is your son?" Jinyoung asked. 

The man gave Jinyoung an incredulous look and then punched him in the arm. 

"How many times are you going to make that joke today?" he grumbled, bending down to try and pull Yugyeom away from Jinyoung's legs. 

"You know what? You can handle this by yourself." said Jaebeom, throwing his hands up in defeat. "I'm gonna go grab myself a mug of coffee, Lord knows I need it. I swear to God, he's worse than Nora sometimes." 

"You're late." Jinyoung grinned. "I ordered already."

"It's not my fault he took forever to let go of Bambam's racing car set." Jaebeom snapped in mock anger, pushing past Jinyoung to hold the café door open. "Youngjae and Bambam almost forced me to let him have it, but I put my foot down. Had to buy ice choco to shut him up."

For a moment, Jinyoung didn't move and simply stared at Jaebeom. Jaebeom who looked more like the Jaebeom he'd met in his second life, brighter eyes, less worry lines. Happier. 

His heart sang with joy as he thought back to the past. 

It was when he'd embraced a sobbing Jaebeom into his arms in the shower, that an epiphany had hit him - perhaps, he hadn't been the only one begging for a second chance afterall. 

The night they'd made love in Jaebeom's apartment during the thunderstorm and he'd cried himself to sleep wishing for a second chance - perhaps, Jaebeom had been wishing the exact same thing, a second chance so he could redo their past and bring himself to love Jinyoung again. 

It was both their wishes combined that had sent Jinyoung back in time. To set things right. To have the life with Jaebeom he'd always wished for. 

But this time, with Yugyeom in it. 

He was never meant to change the events of their past life in the first place. All he had to do was change the manner in which they'd happened. 

Instead of cursing at each other and saying things they could never take back, things that would leave a lasting taste of bitterness in their mouths that had made them avoid each other for a decade, all he had to do was explain to Jaebeom with all the love in his heart why they had to break up, so they could grow into the independent people they were supposed to be. So they could learn to live for themselves without the guilt of holding each other back. 

It had taken months for Jaebeom to forgive him, but unlike the last time, Jinyoung had swallowed his pride and kept reaching out to him again and again until he did. 

Consequently, he was there when Jaebeom tried to start a new life with Yugyeom's mother and supported his decision. He was there when Yugyeom was born and watched Jaebeom fall in love again as he held him in his arms for the first time. He was there when Yugyeom's mother passed away, begging Jinyoung to take care of him and Jaebeom. He was there when Yugyeom introduced them to Youngjae and his classmate Bambam. 

And conversely, Jaebeom knew and laughed along, when he fake dated Jackson for publicity. Jackson who introduced them both to Mark, who found a friend not only in Jaebeom and Jinyoung but also in Youngjae, ending up in them all becoming friends. 

A whole different life, a whole different future. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Jaebeom asked, his hand still on the café door. 

But there was a soft smile playing on his lips now. 

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing." Jinyoung answered softly, picking Yugyeom up and adjusting his weight on his hip, exactly the way he was used to. "Just thinking how lucky I am to have you both."

"Woah! I know it's our twelfth anniversary in a few weeks, but..." said Jaebeom, blushing to his roots. 

"Jinun! Papa won' buy me move ice choco!" Yugyeom piped up immediately. 

"You've had enough Gyeomie." Jinyoung said, earning an approving nod from a still red-faced Jaebeom and a whine of protest from Yugyeom. 

"How about you get papa to buy Jinun an ice choco and I'll let you have a sip?" he said, grinning impishly at Jaebeom. 

"Excuse me?" Jaebeom sputtered just as Yugyeom whooped in delight. 

"Come on Hyung. Just a sip." Jinyoung grinned at Jaebeom imploringly. 

"Fine. But if he doesn't stop at one sip, you're both grounded when we get home." said Jaebeom, holding out his hand. 

Jinyoung felt his heart bursting with joy at the word "home".

He hadn't known how their future would play out this time. Him being in Jaebeom's life didn't guarantee them ending up together. He hadn't known if Jaebeom would fall in love with someone else entirely. Maybe Mark, maybe Jackson or maybe even Youngjae.

All he knew was that he wanted to be in Jaebeom's life - as a friend, as a companion or as a mere play date for Yugyeom. It didn't matter, as long as he could be there. 

Sometimes, he wondered if all this was destined to happen, that it wasn't a mere chance anamoly in his life. That maybe, just maybe, it was all simply a series of fortunate-unfortunate events, leading up to him learning something he hadn't learnt in the ten years of being apart from Jaebeom the first time - patience.

Or maybe, it was so Jaebeom could learn forgiveness. 

Maybe it was both. 

But fate had been merciful, decided to give him another chance and Jaebeom had chosen him, Yugyeom had chosen him. No tricks, no deceit, no secrets this time. 

Or maybe just one. Jinyoung smiled to himself.

One day, he didn't know when, but one day he would tell Jaebeom everything. Maybe Jaebeom would believe him, maybe he'd think it was all a joke. But until then, Jinyoung would smile to himself with a clear conscience and a heart filled with gratitude. 

This was their second chance and they would live it to the fullest. 

Jinyoung took the hand Jaebeom held out to him and they walked hand in hand into the café with Yugyeom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had this in my drafts forever trying to find the courage to publish it. Finally edited it today and gritted my teeth. I hope you guys like it. Please let me know in the comments. 💚  
> PS: I'm gonna re-edit this tomorrow and correct any loopholes or glaringly offensive grammatical mistakes. I just didn't have time or will lately. I'm slowly getting back into my groove thanks to you guys.


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